Author: Coach Jesse

Monday – What is my outlook on life today?

I told my wife that I was going to write a post every day this week. I had no specific topic. I just wanted to write about what ever came to my heart.

I’m not the same person that I was 2 years ago. I have resolved my childhood trauma and it has no power over me. I try to be a better person and better husband everyday. My life is better than it has ever been. I love my wife more than ever. I have a positive connection with my daughter and my granddaughter. I am more mature as a man and I no longer have poor coping skills. I am not too proud to admit when I am wrong. I have a good job where I can have a positive influence on people.

Life has its challenges, but I am able to face them and deal with them in a healthy manner. I know that there is freedom from this addiction and nothing will ever make me want to return to that broken way of living. My journey has not been easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I want to be able to share my message of hope and freedom to all those who want to change their lives.

The Wrong Message

By JP

I am at a point of my recovery that I now see how certain ideas were toxic and counterproductive. I was an avid reader of Every Mans Battle. It was the first book that I read when I first admitted that I had a sex addiction. I re-read it again 5 years later. It must have worn off because here I was in the same place again. The truth is that the book hindered my recovery. It led me to believe that all men struggled with lust because that’s how God wired us. One therapist that I saw because his credentials said that he specialized in sex addiction, pretty much told me the same thing. I was a man and I couldn’t help it. He quoted the Coolidge Effect, which was a reference to chickens. So like a dumb ass I go home and tell my wife this. Instead of helping her heal, I dumped more trauma on her.

I know without a doubt that God created us in his image and men are not wired to treat their wives like anything other than their equals. So why is this message that all men are wired to look at other women so prevalent? Why are men using this as an excuse to continue this abusive behavior? I don’t have the answer to these questions. I can only look back at my own abusive behaviors and see that they were influenced by this polluted message. I hope that other men can see how their behavior has been influenced by this message and see the pain that they have caused. While you can not go back and change the past you can live a life of freedom where you honor your wife as God designed.

In God’s Image

By JP

In my recovery journey I have continuously come across the false theory that men are wired visually. Men are therefore not capable of controlling themselves around women. Every day we must navigate through a maze of land mines because the sight of a woman causes us to become bumbling idiots. We can’t help this because this is how God wired us. I do not believe this poor excuse for being a man. God created us in his image. I don’t believe that he created man with this debilitating impediment. This is a fool’s excuse to be less than a man. I am not an animal that cannot control his behavior. I am not powerless. I am in control of myself. I choose to be a Godly man that honors his wife. I challenge all men to wake up and be the men that God created in his image.

Unstuck

By JP

I don’t understand why this is so hard yet so simple. I am not the person that I used to be. I made the choice to make the changes and work on being the husband that my wife always deserved. It wasn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. My old life was toxic and it infected those around me. My life now is much better than it ever was. The choice to make the changes was easy. The work to make the changes was a challenge, but not impossible. Why are other men stuck in the process? Why do other men believe that they are wired differently and can’t change? There’s no secret or magic formula. It takes time and deliberate work to change your life and live in freedom. It takes having a vision of the life that you want to have and making it happen.

The Hard Road

By JP

I believe that the only true way to recovery is the hard way. I have come to understand that my addiction was created due to my inability to deal with life. I learned to escape my painful emotions by filling my head with unhealthy garbage. Even after I understood that I had a problem, I never really faced it. I did just enough to get by and fool myself into believing I was better. I even had a therapist tell me I was cured.

Continue reading “The Hard Road” →

Triggers

By JP

I can never forget the awful person that I used to be. I don’t want to ever forget it because going back to that old broken life is not an option. I see what I have done and how it is still affecting my wife. We are starting our third year on this journey of recovery. Our marriage is better than it has ever been. We have the connection that God designed us to have as husband and wife. Things are better but there are still triggers for her.

Continue reading “Triggers” →

Who am I

By JP

I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and see who I used to be. I don’t like the person, but I am no longer that person. I made the hard choice of making a permanent life change. My previous life was influenced by my addiction and it was broken. I gave up that life and made the choice to do whatever it took to live a healthy life. I didn’t do it alone. My wife was with me and never gave up on me. I do not identify as an addict. I am a husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend. I do not deny or will I ever forget my past, but it doesn’t define who I am.

Honesty

By JP

I have spent most of my life lying about things. I’m not sure when it all began, but it went hand in hand with my maladaptive coping skills. I believe that I lied to myself as much as I lied to everyone else. My lies fed my false beliefs and kept me emotionally stunted. I am not proud nor am I bragging about my ability to lie. I became so good at it that I could make things up in an instant. I chose a profession where my ability to make things up quickly was an asset.

Continue reading “Honesty” →